Astonishment

"...well, you know, it's pretty much our only free weekend left before we leave..."

I'm sorry, what?

It was just an offhanded comment, just something said in a normal little chat in the dining room with Rachel. Our grant is only 10 weeks long, now; of those 10 weeks, five have Fulbright-occupied weekends, and of the rest, nearly all have at least one Fulbright event during the week. We're almost out of time. And just like that, it's all I can think about: my time here is almost gone. Like, really almost gone.

I know my posts on here lately have focused a lot on what I miss about home. A lot of sad-sacking about food, and family, and all the wonderful things in America that aren't available to me here. But just throwing up those posts has created a very skewed picture of my time right now, and now, as a steady rain cascades onto the bricks outside my window in an oh-so-typically-melancholic way, seems like the perfect time to swing things back into balance.

Because, really, two and a half months??? How is it POSSIBLE that we only have two and a half months before all this is over? How is it possible that in a little over two months I will be back in America, just an American among Americans, living a normal life like everyone else?

It seems like this has snuck up on me, which is of course ridiculous given that I've been writing about the passage of time pretty much since I got here, and of course have been answering the question "how long have you been here," with my answer changing monthly, on a regular basis. But with all of that, I focus on the time I've spent here: almost 9 months. I'd actually been planning a post on the topic (maybe it'll still happen), to come out on the last day of April. Nine months is a number I've gotten used to. Its partner, however, is still shocking.

What can you do in two months? That's no longer a rhetorical question. How much more can you see? What do you not want to leave the country without doing? How much money can you save? What jobs can you apply for? How much time can you realistically spend with your lovely Taiwanese friends without harming your health or teaching in the process?

And here's what I'm coming up against: not enough. Two months is not enough time to see it all; not enough time to put everything perfectly in order; not nearly enough time to spend with my friends. I've written before, many times, about how much has changed since coming here, and about how much I'll miss everyone when I go home; now it's hitting me that that time is soon, and that it will soon be time to actually, really, start saying my goodbyes.

And I'm not ready to think about that.

So maybe our jam-packed last couple of months will be the ultimate blessing: a chance to focus, not on the things we can't do, or the things we will ultimately have to do, but on the things we can do: see a few more local sights, participate in a few more local traditions, spend just a bit more time with the people we will miss. Maybe we'll be able to surprise ourselves into not mourning too deeply as we leave this beautiful island that we've called home. But I doubt it.